People Suck and the Universe Doesn't Matter

Hello, friends. So, work. Work... work is very, very boring. And when you're getting paid as much (or, rather, little) as I am, it isn't hard to take a few seconds to just not do anything. Or at the very least to just tune out and do your work on autopilot. See, unfortunately for me, you see, my job entails little more than filing. Which is all good and well for a first job (no deep-fryers plus no shelf-stocking equals uber-fantastic first job), but the problem with filing is that it makes physical multitasking impossible.

I mean, most other jobs do, as well, but most jobs entail either mental input or interpersonal relations. Mine entails neither, which leaves my mind roaming the planes if its warped existence, and my body capable of nothing more than trying to keep itself awake. It's awfully frustrating.

Especially considering my... generous amounts of homework.

And so, we end up with this: a wonderful tirade on the office-working world. My boss (who is about as useful as a vasectomy to a eunuch - and about as comfortable) has, however, pointed out one helpful fact: I now know that I never, ever want to work in an office. Especially one full of architects. I mean, it's not a bad job (despite the fact that I get paid so little), and it's enjoyable enough, but it leaves my mind free enough to spend seven eighths of my time thinking of all the other things I could be doing, instead.

Like homework.

My little basement (or "dungeon", as my co-workers so affectionately refer to it; I'm the only one who ever works down there) does, however, yeild some interesting ideas. Like whether how silverfish can live entirely off forty-year-old tracing paper without dieing of ink poisoning or indigestion; or why the hell none of the drawings from 1954 have job numbers; or why modern architects have given up on manual drawing altogether.

But my favourite revelation so far is: People suck and the universe doesn't matter.

I can't even fathom how many times someone's had the exact thought, but the universe doesn't matter. That said, most of those people areprobably die-hard X-Files fans (and I mean die-hard), or Christian fanatics, but when you think about it, everything (and I mean everything) in the universe is a human creation.

Hell, the universe itself is a human creation. And not in an Evangelical humans-are-the-epitome-of-everything kind of way. Humans are a human creation. But in a simple, cynical, misanthropic kind of way. Because as cool as I think the universe it, it means jack-all without people.

I can't help but think this when I'm listening to any kind of fanatic, now: environmentalist, Evangelist, terrorist, politician, some dickhead in a Social Science class who thinks he has the answers to the world.

I keep hearing things like, "But what about the trees?" And true, it would be a pity for the living Earth to end because of treelessness (I'm rather fond of trees, myself), but when all is said and dead, who's going to be around to give a sod? It's in those moments that I feel the full weight and brunt of the collective human ego.

And it's that feeling I try to remember while I'm contemplating the best ways to trick my homework into death-traps.

The funny thing is, though, that despite all this, the Earth matters to me, as it does to most people except Gunns Tasmania and American Republicans. I'm all for ending whaling and promoting solar energy and all the other things that neo-hippies and want-to-be-contrary teenagers are for.

But when the world does end (that is, assuming Humans haven't a) screwed themselves over and into oblivion, or b) found another planet to suffocate with aforementioned collective ego) it isn't like anyone's going to be around to remember it. There won't be old men on barstools reminiscing about the "good ol' days 'fore the obliteration o' the human race". There won't be 'tidied-up' versions to fawn off to primary schools. There won't be anything.

Because nothing else cares. Nothing else knows.

...

Save the whales.

...

This was a pleasantly tangential rant.

Till next time.

Poetic License

Hello all. Has been a while since we've been kicking around in here. But, alas, things happen and people have to grow up and get jobs and go to important-school where homework actually means something.

Kind of like the homework I'm about to complain about. Which I am currently shirking. But hey. A girl needs priorities.

The subject: English Studies

The assignment: Changing Historical Perspectives: Investigative Report - Comparison of Shakespeare's Sonnett 116 and e.e. cummings' it may not always be so

Now. I don't know about you, but I see something wrong with that sentence. First of all, "sonnet" is misspelled in our poetry booklet. And secondly, mr. cummings, you pretentious tool, learn to write.

Really.

Who the hell "mistrusts" capital letters?

The man could at least have had the decency to foresee the advent of personal computers and/or the Microsoft corporation, because I tell you, Microsoft Word does not like grammatical errors.

The really stupid thing is this:

The man decided, singlehandedly, that putting capital letters at the beginning of one's name was simply pretentious and showed nothing but self-importance. So he, in all his glorious modesty, refused to write his name with capital letters.

Not even Modernism can excuse the hypocrisy of that.

Honestly, though, they tell us over and over that the internet is damaging our grammatical awareness. That the youth of today are, basically, grammatically screwed because instant messaging and mobile phones don't demand that we utilise correct grammar.

Now, unless e.e. cummings really did have psychic premonitions as to the technological advances of the future (i.e.: now) and was simply preempting the coming redundancy of capital letters, grammatical retardation has been around much longer than intellectual luddites with degrees in youth psychology seem to think.

To add a little more irony, almost everyone in this class seemed to be hell-bent on proving that John Donne was the arrogant one. And okay, maybe so, but at least the man earned it.

All this while, our teacher seemed hell-bent on proving that each and every love poem written by a male who isn't Shakespeare is doing a disservice to women. And I'll agree that perhaps Donne shows a little of what we'd probably call "sexism", but the man lived five hundred years ago!

And maybe I'm a little biased because I happen to like John Donne, but really. The school's English department seem to hate him. There are two topics we can choose from for this essay, and we can, within those, choose two from seven poems (all by different poets) that we are studying.

But the funny thing is that there are, actually, eight poets. The forgotten eighth being Donne. Now that's just plain weird. Examiners hate him, teachers hate him, students (apparently) hate him.

So why on God's earth do we study him?

Alas, the time has come for me to finish my tirade and return to examining the historical context of grammatically-challenged sonnets and sonneteers.

Until next time, please, for the love of anything remotely holy: Use capital letters.

Here Comes the Sun

Well, it's three days to the American election, one of the most controversial and interesting (not to mention important) in U.S. - and in fact world - history. A black man who rose through the ranks and a Vietnam vet who seems to have just fallen into politics.

Honestly, I can see no other way of getting into politics (why would you want to?) than falling. Unfortunately for John McCain, his fall wasn't too graceful. A little controversy here, a little scandal there (not to mention his God-awful choice in running mate).

Speaking of: as far as American politics goes, Sarah Palin really is one for the books. When your potential second-in-line is pro-gun, anti-abortion, marriage-before-sex-preaching and can't even hold a conversation with Katie Curic, then one has to worry. (As a side note, does anyone else see the irony in being pro-gun and anti-abortion? Do you want people alive or not, woman?!)

To put it [more] bluntly, she is a nutcase of a woman with no view of anything beyond her own window. Even if it is Russia. Truly, honestly, I am terrified of her. I can understand how people could vote for McCain (though I personally wouldn't) if and only if he had a more suitable running mate. The horrible thing is, though, that Americans feel safe with a president who is willing to bomb another country at a moment's notice.

They don't want a man like Obama who is willing to sit down and talk things through while they feel insecure. There was an interview on the radio here not too long ago, and a woman at a Republican rally said something along the lines of, "I'm voting Republican because I feel safer. Think about it: we haven't had an attack on American soil since we re-elected Bush."

Now, sweetheart, I dare you to actually think about something (even if it is difficult for you) and put this in perspective. The last attack before 9/11 by a foreign entity was Pearl Harbour in 1941 (though, technically, Hawai'i wasn't a United State until 1959, anyway). Nineteen forty-one. Before that it was probably in the War of 1812 by some petulant Brits who couldn't let go. Seriously.

From an outsider's point of view, it is pretty clear that many voting Americans just aren't willing to hear another side of an argument. So stuck in their ways that nothing is ever going to get through if they don't want to hear it. Like the example above, there is only the very recent past, the very near future, and the very immediate vicinity. Now, I really don't blame people for voting for the propositions that will best benefit them, but how can so few people seem to miss the fact that this vote changes the world?

Then again, if you look at it more closely, it is still a mystery. Right-wing Republicans seem to just miss the point entirely. "We like Republicans; Bush is a great president, McCain will be, too."

Anyone see anything wrong with that sentence? Maybe the fact that thanks to Bush's reckless - or ignorant - spending, the Australian dollar is down to about 65 U.S. cents, when a month ago, it was at 98. Maybe the fact that only last month, troops were pulled out of Iraq only to be thrown into Afghanistan because the 'casualty' rate was so high that they were short on troops. Or maybe the fact that the civilian casualty rate in the Middle East is as high as it was in 2001, when the war was declared fought and won.

But no, these don't matter because they're not on American soil. 'Our troops are fighting for our safety,'; 'Civilians aren't dying at all.'

Well, I hate to break it to you, but respectively: no, they're not; and yes, they are. The French may have finally gotten something right, here, in not joining the U.S. in the Middle East. "Cheese-eating surrender-monkeys" or not, at least they have a conscience.

Now, back on topic a little (if there ever was one), McCain seems to be a reasonable enough guy; some dud policies, but he seems genuine, if a little smug. But here is my real issue with the guy:

"Only the most deluded of us could doubt the necessity of this war."

"We are winning in Iraq."

"We're seeing Iraq united as Iraqis..." No, no you're not.

Yes, this is a truly Republican amount of denial we've got, here. That, and a very sick campaign-booster. He's telling people what they want to hear. When people feel safe under the current Republican rule, why wouldn't they feel safe under the next one? When you take everything you're told for fact, you have some serious issues.

Especially if you're a world power.

Not to mention the fact that McCain used the phrase 'Joe the plumber' at least seven times in the last presidential debate. That in itself should be enough to make you want to vote against the man.

Now, something interesting that my sociology teacher asked me when in conversation about the election was: "Do you think America is ready for a black president?"

Honestly, my answer was no. I don't think America will be ready for a black president until they have one. I don't think they'll be ready for a female president until they have one.

I'm not saying this is right. This, in fact, is rather despicable, but it's true. People don't like change; it's uncertain, it's unknown, it's unsafe. What if Obama gets in and screws everything up? What if he changes things? What if...?

McCain is predictable. He's got basically the same beliefs that America has been ruled by for the last eight years. Only no one seems willing to look at where those beliefs have taken the country. Taken the world.

It truly is time for change.

Closer To Home

Well, hello! Two posts in less than a month! I'm on a roll, here. That or people have been particularly stupid this month. Actually, chances are it's the latter. Besides, I always leave school assemblies with something to be cynical about. Seriously, even the teachers look cold and bored, and they're not expected to pay attention.

Last time, it was the induction of our school chaplain. This week, amidst a lecture informing us not to dump our reports uder our beds, and that getting reports is not like eating toast (or even porridge, apparently), the sound of popping balloons (don't ask), warnings to "be reasonable", and the oh-so-persuasive point that 'defiance is bad'; it was the granting of much money to the school chaplain.

Now. I have nothing against religious people. I quite like them as long as they're peaceful. But! My school is a State school. A government school. Public education. To have a specifically religious counsellor is not right.

And I informed the principal of this as soon as I heard about the chaplain coming. Which probably just made me sound like a little brat, but I don't really care. He deserved it.

Now I know it is a more complicated issue than just him hiring a chaplain (Mark). That is: the federal government is giving grants to any public school to adopt a chaplain. (Ha! Adopt-a-Chaplain. Sounds like a youth helpline). Now I definitely do not disagree that high schools need more counsellors. The one we have is only there two days, or something, a week, and she is also notoriously unreliable in regards to common sense and confidentiality.

But the point is, that my principal, in his first year at our school, decided to take this offer. The problem I had with it has nothing to do with the actual chaplain as my principal suddenly decided ("Wait till you meet him, he's a very nice man"), but to do with the fact that public schools are a place for students of all religions and backgrounds, cultures, beliefs, whatever, to be equally treated and cared for.

I'm sure the chaplain is a perfectly nice man as men go, Mr. Hamlett. He seems fine to me. But he has no place at our school. He was doing pretty well, seemingly well-rounded, talked to all the students, maybe tried a little too hard to be like them, but at least he was trying.

Then came his induction.

The kind where one is asked questions and just says 'yes' to them no matter what they are, then signs something that looks remotely official, then everyone claps because they've no idea what is actually going on, and feel they should.

And of course, the questions were relatively formula for a while.

"Do you promise to offer spiritual guidance to all students at this school?"

"Do you promise to be the best friend and counsellor you can be?"

Etc, etc. Then:

"Do you promise to keep Jesus as your guide in life, and recognise Jesus' role in the life of all the students."

Okay, now, that's where they lost me. For damn good. It's fine to ask sometone to be nice to people. Why wouldn't you? But that last question just crossed a line. To (albeit indirectly) tell the entire student body that we live our lives under Jesus is a bit arrogant. Perhaps cenceited. Rather vindictive. I think I physically flinched at that question.

Mr. Hamlett, your chaplain was going okay till that point. And, as things tend to, it got worse. After the official signage of the official ducument, the man inducting him (some past teacher/priest of some description) offered to "say a prayer for Mark".

So he bowed his head. Okay, fair enough. And a few secons later, the man began to speak. "Dear God..." And that's when I tuned out to shoot somewhat scathing looks at my principal. Who, incidentlly (and very frustratingly) I was sitting next to on the stage. Bad thing about sitting on the stage: You can't emote. Or hit your principal over the head with something very, very hard.

And then our school had the book sale. Which is what annoyed me even more. The school made around eight-and-a-half grand. About two-and-a-half went to the student councils. Another three was unsure, and the rest?

The rest went to Mark. So he could conduct excursions and other activities with the students. Yes, he did help out at the book sale. And so did about fifty other people.

But the issue is that the main inclination (or so I was told) for hiring Mark in the first place, was that the school wouldn't have to pay his salary; the government would. Our school didn't have another counsellor because it wasn't possible to pay another one. Or hire one who was actually good at her job. But the whole thing seems slightly... underhanded. To make it worse, I think my principal likes the fact that he hired the chaplain a little too much. He seems very pleased with himself whenever Mark is around. Or just in general, I suppose.

But really. This kind of thing seems like it shouldn't happen. Counselling is important, yes. Detrimental to some students, even. But the fact that the government will spend funds on chaplains for public schools but not on teachers' salaries seems wrong. Not only that, but the schools take it up.

If anyone can offer a reasonable explanation as to this, go ahead. But 'money' is something that every single teacher in a public school complains about. That is, the lack of money in public education. I have the sinking feeling that there was not much discussion as to where the funds would actually go.

Knowing Hamlett and his irritating habit of just doing things, that would not come as a surprise.

China

Okay. Finally something to compain about. China. Well, not China per se, but the Chinese government. (See, despite popular belief, productive things actually can come from SOSE lessons.)

A few days (or weeks, you never know) ago there was a 4 Corners report called 'Voice of Dissent', and we watched it in SOSE the other day. Now, despite the tiny television in the distant corner of the room which made it very difficult to read subtitles, it was rather informative. Though I may have mixed up 'independence' and 'indifference' a few times. However, not the point.

The point is, that the amount of denial going on in China (which, I suppose, is nothing new) is absolutely, and I deign to say, hilarious. Hilarious in the worst kind of way. I mean, the hypocricy which is shown within the government is amazing.

The documentary we watched was about the issues surrounding media, and especially the internet. People were being interviewed who had been kidnapped, beaten, jailed and/or threatened by Chinese government organisations. Now it may not seem it, but I am wary of documentaries being slightly biased one way or another, and with such an infuriating issue, this one was bound to be a little one sided.

But I have to say that the interviews they had in 'Voices of Dissent' with governmental people were really only reaffirming my jaw-clenching. One was with a man from a Chinese 'think-tank' (whatever that means). They asked him what he thought of a man being jailed for publishing online articles on the less-than-positive situation in China.

He quite bluntly told them that the man deserved to be jailed, because he had lied to the public. (For the record: I cannot recall how many times the word 'lie' was used.) Another man in a similar position told the interviewer that thinking there is something wrong with China was fine; it was just that he had put this into words, and on the internet.

The thing I find ironic, here, is that the world already knows. Blocking websites like Wikipedia and international MySpace is really very stupid. For one, it puts China in an even worse light internationally, and it also just prompts anyone brave enough within China to act upon it.

The main thing I learned from this documentary: Bitching about China, being Chinese and being in China are not three things that mix.

Right now, I am writing a SOSE report-type thing on the coverage of the Tibet issue in the Chinese media. Now, as little is actually said about the China-Tibet problem, what is said is undeniably... in denial. If you want to know what I'm talking about, look here.

China constantly presents itself as Tibet's savior, while it is very clear that the rest of the world does not. The funny part of it is: The Chinese Government still deny it. It's like the kid who gets caught with his hand in the cookie jar and a cookie sticking out of his mouth saying, "I didn't take the cookie."

It's totally futile. I mean, there has to be a point where you cannot deny something any longer. The Chinese Communists seem to have a deliberate Head In The Sand issue. An "Ignore it and it will go away" mentality which is actually doing nothing for anyone, except protecting China's far-too-vast pride and keeping most of its residents in the dark.

Which, I suppose, is the point. The easiest way to control people is to only let them know what you want them to. If you have monopoly over the media, you really truly have the country, and the power within it.

Main thing learned from the Communist Party of China: Free thought equals bad.

Somalia

I hate to start on such a sombre note, but I have to say: On Monday, the US Military bombed Somalia.

Somalia. Apparently, a (and I quote) "known al-Qaeda terrorist" was residing in a small town in Somalia called Dhoble. So, as one does in a situation like this, the Military dropped three missiles on this town, apparently killing four people and wounding 20 more.

What the Hell?! Please tell me someone else sees something slightly wrong, here. What kind of freak logic do they follow? I mean, besides 'none', the obvious answer would have to be 'instinctual'. Sure, instincs are nifty when you're attacked in a dark alley or something, but not when you've got the lives of entire villages on your hands.

Out of the 20 wounded, one can be quite sure that they will not all survive; Southern Somalia isn't really known for it's high-tech medical facilities, I don't believe.

To add to this smart move, the US actually already has an anti-terror task force based in neighbouring Djibouti. Yes, United States, they're doing a swell job. I, for one, would be quite worried if my anti-terror task force was failing so badly that I had to bomb the country it was in.

No, I'm not a fan of al-Qaeda, but really. Bombing a civilian town is going a little far, if you ask me. The Islamic insurgents in Somalia should be stopped, yes. They are taking town at a time, killing local police and civilians as they go, but bombing the very people you're trying to stop your enemies from killing seems a little ironic. If not down right hypocritical.

And what makes it even better (oh, yes, there's more) is that the Pentagon's rationale for this was that Turki (the target) is on the United States list of "financers of terrorism". Who the Hell isn't?!

I'm surprised they didn't just say that when Cheney got shot, actually. Seems to be a convenient enough excuse for everyone else...

What to Say?

Well, hello again! It's been an odd few weeks (months), because I've found very little to complain about. I mean, there is the full scale tribal warfare going on in Kenya, and the last three or four bombings in the Middle East, Sarkozy getting hitched, the election in Serbia and the wanted freedom for Kosovo. But the only thing that made any sense to actually pick at was the primaries in the US.

Now. The system is chaotic enough here, when we have pre-chosen candidates, elected by the party. We vote Local, State and Federal, when the time comes. We chose last year between an absolute dork, who will probably crash the economy before we can come up with a demeaning nick-name for him, and another dork who would later turn over Parliament to a sleaze that no one likes or trusts.

But in the US, they take Democracy to a new level. There, they get to choose between a woman haunted by her husband's stupidity; a man who ignores her even though, technically, they're on the same side; a television 'star' who would not know much other than the Justice System, and about four religious morons. Now there's Democracy at work!

So even though everyone knows that the Republicans are, well, screwed, no one is sure whether Hillary or Obama is really more popular. Though, I can't really blame the American population for preferring the Democrats. I mean, is anyone else worried that one of their top candidates is a religious leader who uses the word "Islamofacism"?! Well, you should be.

The Republican's top, top candidate is 72 years-old. And, as much as I diegn to say this, that is probably not a good thing. If he is elected (God forbid) then he'll be 76 by the next election. Even in the US, the average life expectancy for a white male is only 77 years-old. Worrying? Yes, it is.

It's also slightly worrying that many people will vote for someone based on these kind of grounds only. Many women voting for Hillary because she is (debatably) a woman. Much of the black population voting for Obama becasue he's black. Freaky Christian fanatics voting for Huckabee because he is, well, a freaky Christian fanatic. Which is all okay, if you're voting for Mayor, or something. But for Presidency?! I mean, because of this...controversy, for lack of a better word, it will be too easy for a population raised on superficiality, bias, and non-compulsory voting to overlook the actual politics of the election, and focus only on the superficial side of it.

Which annoys me. A lot. Because the US is unarguably the "world power", and half the voters don't know what they're doing. I mean, half the voters everywhere don't know what they're doing, but it's not the same when you're being elected to basically run the free world.

...And the not-so-free...

Besides, how many people actually fully understand primary voting?

On the Theme of Music...

...The Spice Girls reunion. The Spice Girls. I mean, they were underrated when they were first popular, if you ask me. Very misunderstood, I believe. But that is no excuse to find five thrity-something, mostly anorexic, dead-loss, once-pop-stars, and put them back together, now, is it?

No.

There is no excuse for that. The thing here is really: I don't want to watch that. One would think that every self-respecting Spice Girls fan would be absolutely disgusted by this reformation, such as myself.

Victoria Beckham must have been very bored to do this. Maybe she thought it had been too long since she was last in the news. I mean, marrying Beckham, having kids, being anorexic, having some more kids, moving to LA, the moving-to-LA-television-show being utter crap, etc., etc. wasn't enough. Honestly, how could people expect any one woman live with only that much media attention?!

I say this because I believe that she is to blame for it all, anyway. No one else (yes, even Baby Spice) is that stupid. They say that anorexia kills brain cells rapidly, though. So we probably can't blame this lapse in judgement entirely on Posh Spice.

Ha! Who am I kidding?! Yes we can. And we will. And we should. As annoying as her bobble-head-like appearance is in general, it is even more annoying when it's on a Spice Girls poster in the local music chain-store. One is yearning to just lie her down, so she doesn't topple over and hurt herself...Or someone else.

Okay, so maybe I'm being a little harsh on Posh, here. I mean, some blame must lie with Ginger, Scary, Sporty and Baby Spice as well, or at least their agents. That is, if they still have agents...

But it's no less gross if all five Spices to blame, is it?

Something to think on, Spices: Quit while you're ahead. For your sake and ours.

Modern Music

What is with it? Have the people who determine musical popularity become stupider? I think they have. Lyrics used to mean something. Well, not all of them, but the ones that didn't were so because their creators were tripping out. Which at least makes for interesting lyrics.

But now? Nope, not a chance. Lyrics now mean absolutely nothing, except mabe, "Buy my music...Buy my music." Here are some 50 Cent lyrics for you:

"Baby come in, girl I wanna give it to ya
Once im in, its on im a freak wid it"

As if this isn't horribly misogynistic enough, it's virtually indecipherable. Actually, honestly, I'd rather not have deciphered it, myself. I could have gone on quite happily for the rest of my life without hearing something so...Disgustingly sexist. I'm not a feminist, in fact they kind of annoy me, but this is just too far.

Find some Tom Waits, or something, for Hell's sake. Now he is a poet.

I mean, 50 Cent and Justin Timerlake are working together, now? "Why?" Is the one thing that pops to mind. Probably weren't earning enough royalties on their own, or something. Even the legendary Santana has stooped to crappy pop duets. Eugh.

What happened to real music? It's basically gone. Well, out of the mainstream, anyway. I mean, what happened to jazz, swing, even metal? At least they require some form of musical talent, or, at the very least, bluffing abilities. Now, people don't even seem to have to ability to even pretend to be good at their 'music'.

Sure, good for the people who do make it into the market, but most of them shouldn't be there, really. Woohoo to them and their achievement...

Oh well, I suppose on the bright side, all the good music is really cheap because no one buys it any more...

Links for the Bored

It's been a while, my dears. A very long while. I'm at school editing a documentary on feet as we speak. Oh well, I have all of tomorrow to do it, so it doesn't matter if I get a little sidetracked. There really isn't much to do with film footage when you don't know how to use the editing program. Seriously, they could at least teach us how to do it first.

But enough of the complaining. At least I'm not in science, like I usually would be. Hold on, I like science. I'm missing science. But so is everyone else in the class, so I suppose it doesn't really matter, does it? Though I do wish these computers had music programs on them. Could make for some entertainment.

Huh, well, considering I have nothing better to post, I'm going to put links to some websites that I think are worth a look:

For those of you who are Crossing Jordan fans, the Nigel Blog. One of my personal favourites.

Artists or writers (or those of you unfortunate enough to be RP enthusiasts), I give you Elfwood.

Fanfiction. Enough said.

A link to the Journal of Forensic Sciences (three guesses what I'm interested in...).

And finally, for the journalists amongst us, National Geographic's home page.

I believe that is all, mes chers.

Bon soir!

...Dear God...

Okay, strange facts and random information is fine. And very entertaining. But who figures this stuff out?! I mean:

• If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee. (Hardly seems worth it.)

I'm sitting here with a cup of coffee right now, but I'm telling you, I would much rather just use 4 cents worth of energy, and use the kettle.

Besides, I don't think it would be physically possible to yell for just 6 days, let alone adding 8 and a half years into the mix. Though, I imagine once the coffee had heated you would feel a certain amount of accomplishment...or just die from exertion.

But, when you think about it, the weirdest part isn't that someone bothered to figure this out (that would actually be kind of fun), it is really the fact that this fact is simply beyond useless. The only reason you would want to know it is so that you can know it. (Or a conversation starter with your in-laws; this is unlikely to unintentionally offend them...)

Yes, well, I'm over the moon about this, I tell you. I'm just leaping from my seat at this very moment.

Leaping all the way to more coffee...

Substitute Teachers

Excuse me, but why on earth would you want this job? Being a full-time teacher, I understand (seemingly unlike most teenagers). It would be pretty cool, really. But why would you want to temp?! I mean, from the point of view of a ninth-grader, you get absolutely no respect. Not only this, but:

1. You can't actually teach the class anything. (Except this one guy we had that taught us card-tricks).
2. You can't really discipline anyone. (Which I'm sure most of them want to do, you know, considering the whole "no respect" thing).
3. None of the other teachers actually like you. (Have you ever heard staff-room conversation?).
4. Ditto the students. (My friend says they, the students, throw things at you...which is never really welcoming, unless you have a really weird family).
5. No one listens to you, no matter what you're saying, which kind of falls under the "no respect" category, but it's so annoying, it gets its own number.

Really, I don't understand the appeal of subbing...It all seems like a huge waste of time, to me. Maybe they're all sadomasochists, or something, and just enjoy being insulted and threatened with paper (or other) projectiles. I think that's it. Substitute teachers are all sadomasochists. Huh. Don't know why it took me so long to figure out. It seems blatantly obvious, now...

Think!

Nearly 200 people died in a plane that crashed in Sao Paulo yesterday, and the toll is rising still. For the report, go here.

It's really amazing how many significant things can happen in just one day, and still the front page of our newspaper is complaining that there isn't enough transportation to our mountains. The Sao Paulo tragedy gets about half a mention on page 21. It's pathetic. It really is.

I mean, people don't actually buy papers because of what's on the from of them. They buy them because they want to know what's going on in the world, they want to be informed. Informed. Sure, okay, it kind of sucks that 200 people died, but that fact of the matter is that a father and his daughter couldn't play in the snow...?!

Do they have scruples? Do they have any empathy whatsoever?

This is seriously wrong. It's sick, really. People should empathize more with the families of 200 dead people than with the slight (and I emphasize: "slight") inconvenience of two comparatively fortunate people.

I hate to be moral-gal, but newspapers: rethink your ethics, for Hell's sake! At least what's left of them...

10 Best Excuses

I am totally out of ideas, so I thought I'd write out the...

10 Best Excuses for Being Late to Class and Forgetting/Not Doing Homework:

(in no particular order)

1. I was with [insert important teacher's name here]. (Applies to being late. Note: This one actually works. Teachers never actually ask others for confirmation.)
2. My dog ate it. (You knew it was coming, and this one applies to homework. Our Science teacher actually allows us to use this excuse once before she asks for more creative ones.)
3. A giant mollusk tried to squash us on the 'B' Block stairwell. (Aplies to being late. This one doesn't go down too well, unless used on a very encouraging English, Art or Drama teacher.)
4. My father died and I had to go to his funeral. (Note: This applies to either; homework or being late. But it would not be wise to actually use it, as teachers may get a little suspicious around parent-teacher night. Distant relatives are a lot safer.)
5. My friend had a mental breakdown because her (and/or his) boyfriend (and/or girlfriend) dumped her via emial after eloping to Istanbul with a goat. (Applies to being late. I don't have anything to say about this one. You'd have to test it out.)
6. I was attacked in a back-alley by vampires who wanted to suck my blood (as they do); fortunately, Buffy the Vampire Slayer (and co.) showed up just in the nick of time and killed them all. (Applies to being late. Note: Van Helsing could also have killed them, it depends on which subject you're late for. And generally this one only works if you're late for first period, otherwise you're going to have to explain what you were doing in a back-alley during school hours, which we all know is never easy.)
7. While my mind's on back-alleys...I was helping a crack-whore piece her life back together after her boyfriend/pimp/dealer tried to kill her for leaving him. (Applies to both. This one must only be used in the most dire situations, like if you're in danger of detention, or something.)
8. I was reading to the blind. (Again, applies to both. Do not use this excuse if your teacher is one of those prone to asking a lot of questions...)
9. I just couldn't be bothered. (Applies to both, but I don't suggest you use this one. It could be very dangerous to your health. If you absolutely must use this, then duck for cover very fast.)
10. I was under-cover for the CIA because they believe that you are a terrorist, and plan to kill us all. (Applies to both, I guess. Warning: DO NOT use this if your teacher is actually a terrorist, or if you actually do work for the CIA, as these could both be very bad ideas, and have very bad consequences.)

Well, there's my list. It is a lot longer than I expected it to be...But I am prone to ramble, so...

Spam Mail...

...should die. Why would you bother? I just opened my email only to find that my only unopened email was from 'ColonEase'! Apparently we should all use it because "Jenny lost 20 kg with ColonEase!". Well, I congratulate Jenny on the success of her plight, but I don't want to hear about it! I have more important things to think about that Jenny and her easy colon.

I wonder what would happen if you replied to their emails...They'd probably charge you, considering, you know, that's what they do. I don't believe I've ever actually read one before, but I don't believe I'm missing out on anything, either. If you haven't seen the ColonEase product, go here, and I guarantee, you will never take it. They're black! The pills are black! Have you ever seen a movie at all?! The black pills KILL YOU!

Okay, maybe I'm over-reacting, because, logically, if the pills killed you, they wouldn't really still be allowed to sell them. But that isn't the point. The point is actually: death to all spam mail!

Well, now that I've warned you all, I'm off...

DEATH TO ALL SPAM MAIL

Toni Basil

I got told today (by a 13-year-old, no leass) that I look like Toni Basil (more commonly know as "the chick that did 'Hey Mickey' "). I was, and still am, not sure if that's a compliment or not...But what the hell, that's not the point.

It is kind of weird being likened to an 80's one-hit-wonder-in-spandex, which, let's face it, most of them were...Actually I think it's beyond the reaches of 'Weird' and almost into the 'Disturbing' category.

I always find it really disconcerting when someone likens you to someone else. Especially if you don't know them. Them being the person that is doing the likening, or the person they are likening you to. It's one of those thing for which there is no dignified answer, and all you can do is laugh cordially, and hope they don't notice as you all your blood gets displaced into you face.

Or maybe I just shouldn't wear pig-tails...

Street Preachers

We've all fallen victim to street preachers. I mean, I know they think they're doing the right thing, and I think it's really sweet and all, you know, that they want to save my soul...But could they do it somewhere else? I'm not talking, here, about the people who live on the streets. I don't mind them.

I mean people who have jobs, who have families, who have a life (well, apparently not a very interesting one...), but still can't find anything better to do with their free time than harrass people on the street. They'll talk to you for as long as you can be polite...When all you can think is, "Leave me alone! I just want to get a coffee! WHY ME?!"

This post may not seem relevant (are any?...) but I bring this up because I just got home and found a "FOLLOW THE CHRIST!" pamphlet on my kitchen counter. You know, as you do...Jehova's Witnesses. I mean, when it comes down to it, the world would probably not begin to disintegrate if we were to, I don't know...Put them all in their own little bubble (somewhat literally), where everything is happy and shiny and they can all live without boring the rest of us to death. And be studies by scientists, or made into a worldwide entertainment centre.

Kind of like 'The Truman Show' with Jim Carrey. All the people watching are saying, "Poor, ignorant folk. Don't even know they're segregated from the rest of the world..." Then making little 'tsk' 'tsk' noises.

We couldn't kill them, of course; I mean, that would just be extreme...

For Lack of a Better Idea

5 Random facts...with commentary by me:

These are worrying. Well, really, you never know. They may have only quizzed 10 people for all we know. But still. Take a look:
45% of Americans don't know that the sun is a star. (Good one, guys!)

53% of women in America would dump their boyfriend if they did not get them anything for Valentine's Day. (This is worrying. No wonder their divorce rates are so high...We barely even celebrate it in Australia. And thank God, if you go by these numbers...)

96% of people put the peanut butter on first when making a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. (I do. It just makes more sense, right?)

96% of candles that are purchased are by women. (Go figure...)

Every year approximately 2,500 left-handed people are killed by using objects or machinery designed for right-handed people. (Dear God...I'm screwed...)

A Once a Century Occurrence

Today is the seventh day of the seventh month of the seventh year of the 21st century. Okay, but should we really be subjected to an entire page of our statewide newspaper being dedicated to it?! They are so desperate to get a story to make the Saturday paper bigger, that they actually run this like it's a huge deal, saying that it's a once in a century occurrence...so?

Not that it isn't cool, or anything, but honestly! A page! There are wars and famines and scientific discoveries going on every day; these you would assume to be mewsworthy, but no. They dedicate a page to someone who happens to be turning 77 on the 07/07/07. Like I said, it's cool, yeah, but not particularly high priority. Well, not for those of the general populace with a conscience.

I wonder if next year they'll find anyone turning 88...

Drugs?

Why is it that people claim to be paranoid of poisoning their body will still drink coffee? Well, obviously not all of them, but a fair amount. I'm an avid coffee drinker (did you know that the antonym of "avid" is "lukewarm"?!) but I'm not a health freak at the same time. That would just be stupid. How can someone claim to not eat McDonald's, but still drink coffee? Or, rather, why?

I mean, I don't really think either is a better choice...(And I'm not a McDonald's fan, they're too cruel to their future burgers)...They're probably going to sue me for this, it's their way of solving everything...But that's not the point.

It is totally unethical. Not McDoanld's (well, yes actually, them too) but health freaks who drink coffee. It is, after all, a drug, is it not? It's just funny to see women-because they're always women, health freaks like this. And I can say this, being a girl-talking and saying, "I'm totally drug-free! I don't even drink champagne any more!" while taking a sip of their skinny-latte. And then their little posse is around them staring in amazement because they're so envious of her will-power.

Here, we call these people "Sandy-Bay-Mums". This is because they all live in Sandy Bay, and are mothers (of all the private school kids). I believe they are something like mothers from the rich parts of L.A. Or, rather, the people that want to be like them.

But we won't go there, because that's in an entirely different realm of thought. So I'm going to go enjoy my wonderful, drug-filled, full-fat coffee...

Yes, But Is it Good For the Jews?

I discovered what is possibly the most politically incorrect book still in circulation today. It is called (as per title...) "Yes, But Is it Good For the Jews?". If anyone, ever gets the chance to read this book, I strongly suggest you do. I mean, not only is it educational ("Madonna is bad for the Jews"-who knew?) but it is funny.

Of course, now I've written this, I'm wondering why I did...So I'll just go get back in my box.

For the Fun of it...

I created this account, and now I have no idea what to do with it...I could just post a bunch of oh-so-awesome hyperlinks, but then, that would be rather unimaginative, to say the least.

So for now, I'll just say this, and leave you...yearning for more, I'm sure.

And for the sake of decadence, I'd like to hail my friend Tom, my gay, man-whore, drug-addicted, Health Class role-playing boyfriend!